Everyone says they're coding in Rust these days, but they're not. Every system has some bash-flavoured blu-tack hiding in the corners. But how well do you know this arcane, abstruse, annoying programming language? In 5 minutes, I'll educate, entertain, and inform you about a core part of the bash language - the simple conditional statement. This irreverent and funny talk, while yes, insulting bash quite a lot, will hopefully provide a whole bunch of “oh, that's why it does that” moments too.